It’s the night after, and NBC’s two-night pay-per-view Clustercuck Cage-Match Special has concluded. By now you’ve probably formulated your impressions of the candidates and have heard the first wave of assessments by the MSM. But we at INTBQ know what you want. You want the numbers.
All scores given are out of a maximum 10.
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MICHAEL BENNET – 5.6
Colorado Senator, Defensive End
Whether you agree with his policies or not, you have to respect his dedication. Taking time off from his offseason preparations in New England to travel all the way to Miami for the debate is something to be applauded.
JOE BIDEN – 4.2
Former VP, 1952’s Sexiest Man Alive
More like Joe BYE-den, am I right? The Gerent of Gaff is back at it again. His best moment? When asked “What’s the first thing you would do as president,” his answer was “defeat Donald Trump.” Now that’s dedication to the matter at hand.
CORY BOOKER – 6.8
New Jersey Senator, likes to “Bring it”
All in all not a bad performance, but nothing to write home about. The man once believed to be the next Barack Obama for purely racist reasons has in reality had trouble generating a ton of excitement, but he remains a not-improbable contender.
PETE BUTTIGIEG – 8.2
South Bend Mayor, Flaming Homosexual
A surprisingly strong showing by the 13-year old challenger from Indiana. But how will he handle the drama with Kyrie?
JULIAN CASTRO – 4.9
Former San Antonio Mayor, Former 2020 Hopeful
Castro tried his best but ultimately fell flat in his attempts to separate from the pack. At one point he attempted to cut down Beto O’Rourke on immigration, but was caught in the weeds. More evidence that weed is a gateway drug to failure, kids.
BILL DE BLASIO – 3.2
New York Mayor, Smells like piss
Okay here we go, one bite everybody knows the rules. I don’t know Franky, anything higher than a 3.9 is a rookie score. No New York flop, way too much cheese, sauce is too sweet. I’d eat this slice while I’m watching the game on a Sunday, but it’s nothing to get excited about.
JOHN DELANEY – 2.5
Former Maryland Congressman, Inconceivable
“Inconceivable!!!” Just like his chances of winning.
TUSLI GABBARD – 0.9
Hawaii Congresswoman, killed a man and liked it
Watching a candidate die before your very eyes is something special. Tulsi executed this with such expertise that it almost rose to the level of art. Lei off the forced military flexing.
KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND – 5.7
New York Senator, Mic Hog
You have to give her points for hustle, as she tried to yell over every other candidate at least once.
KAMALA HARRIS – 9.2
California Senator, Master Debater
She slayed in this debate even harder than she slayed the criminal riff-raff of California during her prosecutor days.
BETO O’ROURKE – 6.1
Former Texas Congressman, El Présidente
Si bien el hombre es ciertamente material presidencial, todavía no está listo y necesita más tiempo para formular sus posiciones. Se desempeñó razonablemente bien y su futuro sigue siendo brillante, pero quizás no para este ciclo electoral.
TIM RYAN – 2.3
Ohio Congressman, hasn’t blinked since 1970
What the fuck is a Tim Ryan?
BERNIE SANDERS – 5.2
Vermont Senator, 99% of 6% of 5% Jewish
Bernie, Bernie, Bernie. In 2016 it was “Feel the Bern!”…but in 2020, it’s more like “Taste the Tepid.” He was once the pillar of bold new progressive ideas in the democratic party. But then everyone stole all his ideas and by the way they’re all 40 years younger, and more well-spoken.
ERIC SWALWELL – 6.2
California Congressman, Gerontophobic
He came with a fire in his belly and had the most balls of anyone on the stage, but it’s pretty clear that not even he takes himself seriously. But the man went directly after ol Joe so you have to give him credit.
ELIZABETH WARREN – 8.1
Massachusetts Congresswoman, BAMF
Warren was the clear winner of night one, though to be fair her opposition was the democratic party’s D-list. She remains a strong contender and will surely keep her spot in at least the top 5 going forward as she tries to become the first 100% Native American President in U.S. History.
MARIANNE WILLIAMSON – √67.895π
Author, Lover
Holy fucking shit. This woman was on another planet and I kind of want to visit.
ANDREW YANG – 3.3
Former Tech Executive, Gang Leader
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A real let-down, didn’t really bring any energy and never made himself heard as a result of it. After this performance, he’ll be lucky to get $1000 in donations by the end of the month.