Alright you primitive screw-heads, listen up – I watched a Sam Raimi film according to the schedule and I’m ready to get a move on to the next review. I thought it would be Lars Von Trier, but it was actually Sam Raimi that showed me the true meaning of pain in this experiment. Sam Raimi is that guy who made Spider Man. You know, the movie that started the super hero craze. Man, rewatching that trailer after all these years and I’m still hype. I didn’t watch that movie. Instead, I decided to go back all the way to the medieval era and watch Army of Darkness. I remembered watching it late night as a kid and thinking it was the funniest shit ever and I would have a good time.
I did not have a good time.
A little history about Sam Raimi – before he was well known as the guy who created horrific films like this 2007 monstrosity, he got his start in horror with the Evil Dead franchise. It was a series about a guy named Ash, played by Bruce Campbell, who fights zombies, skeletons and witches created by an ancient Sumerian Text called the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis. Why the name is in a latinized dialect is a question you’ll need to take up with Sam and his brother, the writers of these so-called films. The first two Evil Dead films took place in a cabin in the woods in Tennessee, and were highly praised for their suspense, body horror and camera work elements. The big one that get’s a lot of shout outs by other directors is the famous Evil Monster POV Shot where you have a protagonist running through the woods and a low-shot of some unknown bad thing chasing them, usually with the POV coming higher (to give a sense of large scale) or from down below (like it’s a creepy-crawly thing).
Anyway, after the success of the first two Evil Dead films, Sam Raimi decided that he wanted to completely change everything and had the protagonist “get out of the cabin” so to speak and go to the next logical setting, the year 1300 in some medieval castle which for some reason looks like the southern California desert. Sam Raimi wanted to call this film the Medieval Dead, which is objectively the better name for it, and definitely would have matched with the tone. Apparently his influence for the film was a mixture of A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court, The Three Stooges, Jason and the Argonauts and Gulliver’s Travels. You definitely get all of that in the movie, but query whether it works together.
Back in Time
The Medieval Dead starts off with a long exposition scene, which I guess is necessary but I just didn’t worry about why he had a chainsaw for a hand. We jump into Ash being taken prisoner by some Medieval guys in what I assume is England? They’re all speaking English at least and so I feel like this probably isn’t a Star Trek situation where everyone has a universal translator so they can communicate in every episode regardless. Anyway, like Darmok and Jalad he helps this guy named Eric the Red (who he and all his captured homies have red hair – way to stay on theme with your knights) escape by killing some zombies in a pit and all the villagers are so afraid they do whatever he says. The link of the situation is above in the first paragraph. One thing leads to another and Ash agrees to help the villagers stop the undead baddies from hurting them. The first act is a lovely joy to behold before Ash goes off on his own. Reference spotted. The second act is a complete mess of a shit show. There’s some Sam Raimi POV cam, and we end up in a fucking cabin somehow where these little mini ashes fuck with him, tie him up, and one of them jumps inside his mouth. It’s a bunch of slapstick dumbfuckery and truly, truly terrible special effects. Reference spotted. So anyway he drinks boiling water to try to kill the mini-him in his stomach and then another ash springs out of his body. The scene is some masterclass insanity by Bruce Campbell. That entire scene with the Ash double was so dumb and his mannerisms were some 1920’s shit. Reference spotted. He then fucks up some words he’s supposed to say to take the evil book to go back in time (this is literally what happens in the movie I have no way to explain it better) and raises an army of the dead, including the alter-him whose face he just blew off. He runs back with the book and the villagers are pissed off. He says he’ll help them anyway but his love interest gets kidnapped by other-him and I’m pretty sure there’s a rape scene but it’s left ambiguous. Whatever they were doing, it resulted in her being turned into a weird hag-monster. The third act is fucking nuts, big fight scene at the castle, Eric the Red shows up and helps everyone out, lots of good ol’ fun with stop motion skeletons. Reference spotted. There’s the iconic Sam Raimi Oldsmobile which you see in every Sam Raimi movie. Anyway, everything wraps up nicely, they win the fight, take out the hag (don’t worry, she gets hot again and inexplicably comes back to life). All around, things wrap up nicely. Sam Raimi wanted the movie to end with him taking too many drops of the go forward in time potion and end up in post-apocalyptic England. God damn that would have been awesome:
Instead we get a scene in a grocery store that wraps it all up nicely. The film was an hour and 20 minutes long in total, so about as painless as I would have hoped. Script and Story: 6/10.
What did I just watch
This film was a train wreck from start to finish. The Ash character held the film together with his charm, but he is basically a super rapey, selfish bonehead. The only reasons zombies even show up is because he doesn’t follow directions, and he keeps pulling this weird Chad Thundercock move of kissing random women he saves while they’re still in a PTSD shock. Love Interest :tm: has zero personality and basically just acts as a damsel in distress. I’m sure Sam Raimi will be able to mature in his female character writing to overcome damsel in distress writing tropes. There are basically no other characters or actors in this movie except Bruce Campbell, but he does a good job. Ash as a character works for the film but the selfishness and 1-dimensional character work does little to engage me more than as a vehicle for the body horror gags. Acting rating is saved by Bruce Campbell 6/10. Characters 2/10.
But did it look cool?
Kind of? The stop motion was cool and I liked some of the costumes. The scenery was so fucking lazy though. They basically made like two sets out in Southern California and tried to pass it off as England. Then there are the special effects. Ugh.
This fountain of blood looked like it was a hose with food coloring. So silly. I don’t even want to get into the scene with the little dudes holding his nose shut so another one can jump inside of him. This looks so fucking bad:
At the very least Roger Ebert liked the effects. Kudos to you Sam, getting the GOAT to both write you a good review and somehow still give two stars. I’ll give it the same. Visual: 4/10.
But did it sound cool?
Not even worth its own heading. Danny Elfman did one scene which was good – I chuckled at the skeletons playing only woodwind instruments. Sound: 3/10.
Was it cool?
Kind of. It was a super weird movie that I definitely wish I was drunk while watching. Maybe I should have watched one of the first two Evil Dead films beforehand, but it’s whatever. I think alot of people have a special love for this film but it didn’t really click with me and felt super super rushed on pacing. Never really got into any of the characters, and felt kind of like just a bunch of cheap gags and toxic masculinity strung together for shallow entertainment. Like gas station coffee, it was something barely enjoyed at the time I likely won’t revisit unless desperate. At least it was only an hour and 20 minutes.
Overall impression: 4/10.
Total Score: 29/60.