Having missed the last 8 or so years of superhero films, I really didn’t expect to ever see this movie, let alone in theaters. But one weekend, during a nice combination buzz of weed, beer, and ballpark hot dogs, I was ready. I knew I wouldn’t like it as a film, but at my current state of inebriation I was fully prepared to give myself over to the experience and just enjoy it for what it was, free of critical thought. What I was NOT prepared for, was that even in this positive state of mind, it would disappoint beyond my wildest expectations of failure.
Webster’s dictionary defines “shit” as “feces.” This film is feces.
The end of Infinity War left a lot of questions. Haha no it didn’t- half of the Marvel franchise died, and everyone knew they would all be brought back somehow. But I doubt anyone called that the entire redemptive arc of the Avengers would hinge on a fucking rat mistakenly walking over some buttons which would release Ant-man, setting in motion the next 2 hours of garbage.
And on that subject, this film is fucking long. And I expected a lot of explosions and eye candy, but instead the entire first hour of the film is a collection of scenes with characters crying with each other over their lost friends.
The rest is a convoluted mess of time travel with unclear rules that don’t seem to really matter anyway. The writing is absolute lowest common denominator, and the acting performances are likewise, save for PERHAPS Robert Downey Jr. who remains the only convincing performance in the franchise. And also Paul Rudd who is a funny guy and thus plays the character of dopey funny superhero pretty well.
There are a few chuckles to be had, particularly with Antman and Hulk. There’s also an attempt at an excruciatingly cheap laugh throughout the film with fat Thor. Haha fat.
The finale of the movie is an epic battle between every Marvel superhero ever, and Thanos and his alien goons. This is literally some of the only action in the film, upsettingly, as the rest is a piss-poor attempt at drama as a result of all the dead people from last film. After a lengthy battle, the whole struggle between good and evil ends with Robert Downey Jr. nonsenically swiping the stones from Thanos’ glove as he wasn’t looking? I genuinely have no idea what the fuck happened here, and it literally is the final crescendo of the film and the way in which IronMan fucking dies and the Avengers win. Sad.
Ironman funeral, and Captain America gets to time travel to dance with his bae. Woopty FUCKIN doo.
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MD INDEX:
Acting: 2 an uninspired performance by basically everyone, leaving nothing memorable
Script/Story: 1 cringe-worthy dialogue and a plot that truly surprised me with just how shit it was
Characters: 1 I don’t know if there’s a single character I gave a shit about
Visuals: 4 decentish CGI- Thanos looks good but Hulk for some reason looks like shit. some okay shots.
Sound: 2 Sound design was fine I guess. I was genuinely surprised when I saw Alan Silvestri did the score. It was fucking shit and well beneath his capabilities, but he got that fat check though so who cares.
Overall Impression: 1 My instinct comparison is Last Jedi, which made me question my entire childhood, but I think as a singular film, Endgame is even worse.
TOTAL SCORE: 11