As a worldly individual and INTBQ’s pre-eminent travel blogger, I’ve been on at least 11 flights in my life. Each and every time, I have witnessed the elderly, the armed servicemembers, and the recently pregnant receive preferential treatment in the form of “priority boarding.” Essentially, priority boarding allows someone to get on the airplane before the other passengers so the priority boarder can settle in and place any luggage in the easiest overhead bin without being impeded by the masses. To the extent that giving room to those people who need extra help boarding (e.g., senior citizens, those with small children) saves everybody time and allows the plane to take off faster, I’m all for it.
However, you don’t need to suffer from some disability to get priority boarding status. All you need is a briefcase and high credit score: airlines sell priority boarding levels in the form of either ticket classes or rewards programs. Unless you are a George-Clooney-in-Up-in-the-Air-level workaholic though, I don’t see the advantages of priority boarding. First, airplane seating isn’t first-come-first-serve like a subway car; everyone has their assigned seat already. Second, to me, it seems almost more unbearable to spend your time sitting in the airplane seat all ready to take off and waiting for the masses to get settled than wait at the airport gate for a couple extra minutes. Third, the goal of most flights is to get from point A to point B as fast as possible. “Priority” boarding doesn’t focus on getting the priority passenger to his or her destination any faster than the unprioritized because everyone is released equally (basically by seat assignment) as soon as the plane lands.
Priority Alighting Basics
Fortunately, I have come up with an improved system for the air traveler in a hurry: priority alighting. (“Alighting” could be subsisted with “deplaning” or “unboarding” if I were describing this to the masses, but I expect my readers here on INTBQ much prefer the most pedantic transit terminology). Instead of paying extra money to get on the plane first, people will pay extra money to get off the plane first and to their ultimate destination quicker. Now, the simplest way to go about this would be to place those with priority status in the front rows and let nature take its course when it comes to have those at the front exit before those in the back. But depending on which airline you fly, this may be the exact opposite of how the plane is boarded before departure. So there will need to be a radically new system to implement priority alighting.
The small-brain approach to priority alighting would assign each priority passenger a number from 1 to n, and then when the plane lands the flight attendants turn into prison wardens and only allow the priority passenger 1 to leave, then passenger 2, all the way till n. Obviously, this runs into problems fairly quickly. What if the first priority passenger is in the window seat of row 26? Then his fellow row 26 passengers have to get up just to let his fat-cat ass out while the Stewardesstaffel ensures that the inconvienced row 26 passengers retake their seats instead of making a break for it. And just after those passengers sit down, they don’t have any idea when they’ll have to get up again or if they themselves are the next priority. Thus, a more perfect priority alighting must 1) account for releasing all passengers in a row at once and 2) let the rest of the plane know the order in which the airplane rows will be alighted. Through the magic of in-flight touch screens available on many flights, a priority alighting system that meets these two requirements should be readily implementable.
The Priority Alighting Auction, Price Mechanisms, and Game Theory
In my big-brain approach to priority alighting, the priority status is not purchasable before the flight. Instead, when the airplane begins its descent and touch down is approximately 20 minutes away, the in-flight touch screen displays to everyone a map of the plane’s seating chart. The flight will then commence an auction whereby each person may bid (with real money, all major credit cards accepted) for their row to be the first to leave. Everyone will be able to see on their map how much everyone else on the plane has bid. Upon landing, the row that bid the most amount of money as totalled across all members gets to leave first, the second-most leaves second, and so on until those rows that didn’t participate in the auction at all are given the plebeian “all remaining” release.
Contra Comrade Sanders, by introducing a price mechanism for the privilege of getting of the plane early, this priority alighting system will allow an efficient allocation of resources that assigns the right-to-leave to those most willing to pay for it. Did you get stuck next to a crying baby for 5 hours and have 10 minutes to make your connecting flight? Well then it’s probably worth it for you to pony up and ensure you can GTFO to make your ETD. Also, unlike priority boarding today, this auction system allows someone to show off their wealth by broadcasting the exact dollar amount that they are willing to waste to spend less time on an airplane. Leaving the plane early after that wallet boasting will make anyone feel like a priority.
Furthermore, the fact the priority alighting system releases by row but is paid for by seat creates an intriguing collective action problem. Yes, I may be willing to pay to leave early, but I should just freeload of that guy next to me who will pay and then I can ride his coattails out of here. To ensure that the plane is full of only rational actors who use the system properly, I would require that the cringy in-flight safety demonstration is followed by a half-hour lesson in game theory. Also demonstrated by the flight attendants, if need be. Then all the passengers can spend their time before the auction thinking through their fellow passengers’ possible actions. Maybe there will be auction cartel-alliances that form, like some airplane version of that Survivor show.
Regardless, a priority alighting auction system would allow passengers to give airlines even more money in the hopes of either making their travel less shitty, flaunting their wealth, or demonstrating their prowess at a mental game of chicken. So expect it to be the next big development in air travel.