First, I want to congratulate the United States Women’s National Team for winning the 2019 FIFA Women’s World Cup. Without their hard work and dedication, we would never have been treated to this masterpiece in American folk art:
Bleacher Report tweeted-and-deleted this DeviantArt-tier mural in quick succession, but I will never be able to erase it from my memory banks. I knew right away that it is a perfect representation of something. I just need to figure out what that something is. This blog will be my first (and hopefully only) attempt to lay out a theory: this mural represents the 13 Original Colonies by portraying 13 types of American celebrities. I will be defining these tiers of celebrities and then ranking them by how much I feel they contribute to America’s athletic and cultural dominance this tournament. Key for identifying the celebrities available at NESN.
13. USWNT players (and manager Jill Ellis) who are NOT pictured
As a major sports media outlet celebrating the victory of the USWNT in their World Cup campaign, I am 100% positive that Bleacher Report wouldn’t think of leaving any player on that very team off of the celebratory mural unless they were forced to. Therefore, the players not pictured here must not even have shown up for the day where Bleacher Report got everyone’s picture to use in this portrait. This demonstrates a lack of respect and loyalty for the Women’s National Team and the United States in general, which unfortunately puts these Americans at the bottom of the list.
12. USWNT players who are pictured
Bringing up the rear of the pictured celebrities are the rest of the USWNT. Captain Megan Rapinoe made it clear even during the tournament that she will not be visiting the White House and she encouraged her teammates not to do so either. There’s only two ways to interpret this: 1) Rapinoe didn’t want the USWNT to win the cup to even get the White House invite, or 2) Rapinoe thinks “10 Downing Street” is a better address than “1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.” Either prospect is disheartening, especially with the fact that no one on the team corrected her by saying “hey, we should try to win” or “actually Pennsylvania Avenue is just below Boardwalk and Park Place in most valuable properties.” This lack of respect for the White House places the USWNT toward the bottom of American celebrities for this tournament, especially when there’s Americans out there like Will Smith who respect the White House.
11. USMNT players: Clint Dempsey, Christian Pulisic, Landon Donovan, Stu Holden
Thankfully, no player of the United States Men’s National Team made any disparaging comments about the White House during this tournament. Beyond that, however, these soccer players only hurt the prowess of American soccer. Obviously, these athletes didn’t even help the USMNT qualify for the 2018 FIFA World Cup in Russia, which could have given Bleacher Report the chance to tweet a version of this one year earlier. But these USMNT players continue to not donate their earnings to the USWNT in support of equal pay which is holding back our women’s team from not three-peating as champions already. Also, only one USMNT player, Pulisic, thought to wear his USA jersey. That’s just disrespectful, despite what the US Flag Code says (4 U.S.C. § 3).
What a big day for this Stu Holden guy though, because I had no idea who he was before the mural. In fact, I’m still not confident that that guy I circled is Stu Holden, so if I’m wrong I’ll update it and place this American in the appropriate tier.
10. Other female athletes: Candace Parker, Simone Biles, Serena Williams, Billie Jean King, Sue Bird
All these women accomplished great things in their sports and inspired thousands of young women to go into sports, eventually fueling American dominance in women’s soccer this tournament. But, did these female athletes mean to inspire the next generation at all? I think if these women cared about America so much, why didn’t they play soccer internationally to represent the United States? It must have been so easy for Billie Jean King and Sue Bird to make their millions (or however much female athletes make) all for themselves instead of making some sacrifices and using their talents for representing the United States of America. Note that Simone Biles, while she did win for Team USA in a different sport, was most likely motivated to do so not for love of country but to be on another continent from Larry Nassar.
9. Other male athletes: Baker Mayfield, Zach Ertz, Kobe Bryant, Lebron James
Speaking of rapists, we also have Kobe Bryant (allegedly) here. While Kobe’s inclusion might seem insanely tone deaf for a picture representing the accomplishments of the USWNT, the inclusion of Zach Ertz shows that Bleacher Report was actually constructing a deep level of symbolism. Philadelphia Eagles’ Ertz, who respects women so much that he’s known as “Julie Ertz’s husband” by the media, provides a perfect foil to Kobe and shows that America is accepting of multiple beliefs. Diversity is our strength, people.
However, much like the female non-soccer players, these male athletes have not contributed enough to America’s international success for my liking. LeBron James can never be forgiven for his role in our 2004 Olympics performance and Kobe Bryant chose not to join Team USA until 2008 when it was way too late to undo the damage. Similarly, Baker Mayfield and Zach Ertz have a combined 0 IFAF World Championships and have never even played for Team USA. Being big in America is OK, but to be a top-tier American one needs to also be big in Japan.
8. Musicians: Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus, Carrie Underwood, Travis Scott, Beyoncé, Jay-Z, J. Cole
This tier has some strong representatives of American dominance that would have good arguments for being in a higher tier. Carrie Underwood, singer of the Sunday Night Football on NBC theme? Excellent choice (Note that American teams have won 53/53 Super Bowls, a feat unmatched by American teams in any other league). Miley Cyrus, singer of “Party in the U.S.A.”? Another great pick.
Where this tier starts to lose influence in Americana is when the musicians go beyond country music. The most egregious example is Jay-Z, who collaborated with Kanye West (not pictured, for obvious reasons) to make the album Watch the Throne (2011). This is clearly counter to the culture of American dominance. Besides the whole issue about collaborating and having allies who want to work with you, Jay-Z appears to not know that we Americans fought a revolution to get rid of kings and their thrones. Jay-Z should have known in 2011 that Americans would never want to watch inbred people fight over a throne ever again.
7. Cast of Friends
Like Sid Meier’s Civilization series, one way to achieve a global victory is through cultural domination. Friends is the best representation of cultural dominance for the United States. Friends is used by foreigners worldwide to help them learn English. Cultures as similar to ours as the United Kingdom and as different from ours as the People’s Republic of China love watching Friends. European athletes like Luka Dončić are still so obsessed with Friends that they still are shooting their shots at Jennifer Aniston. That’s the kind of dominance that America needs to keep asserting in the sports world.
6. Two kids from Stranger Things
You know what was the best decade in America ever? The 1980s. Despite what Billy Joel says, nothing bad happened and the stock market kicked ass. In sports, America’s greatest international accomplishment to date happened with the 1980 Miracle on Ice over the Soviet Union. What better way to represent this roaring decade than with two child stars of a 2010s series that is exclusively on a medium that didn’t even exist in the ‘80s. Big brain stuff, Bleacher Report.
5. Cast of Modern Family with executive producer Steve Levitan
Modern Family in many respects is the Friends of this decade, so I won’t bother repeating the same points here. What makes Modern Family stand out is obviously the inclusion of its executive producer Steve Levitan. Why was he included, you ask? The simple-minded explanation is that the artist simply traced one of Modern Family’s red carpet appearance where Steve Levitan was in the background. The INTBiQ-minded explanation is that the inclusion of Levitan instead of Colombian* Sofia Vergara is a metaphor for America’s exaltation of corporate executives over immigrants. What a powerful statement, and indictment, of American culture. Not to get political here, but you can remember to make your voices heard this election cycle by winning your Democratic primary election pool.
4. Comedians: Steve Carrell (The Office version), Will Ferrell, Andy Samberg (Brooklyn Nine-Nine version), Ellen DeGeneres
As far as entertainment goes, American comedy is almost unrivaled in its global domination. The usual suspects of other global superpowers are nowhere to be found on the comedy stage. China? Banned puns. Russia? In Russia, jokes tell on you. Germany? Not funny.
America’s closest competitor in global comedy is clearly the British. This is why the inclusion of Steve Carrell as Michael Scott is so critical to the whole mural. Steve Carrell represents how America can take a successful British work (The Office) and stretch it out in to a longer version. Comedy represents American ingenuity at its finest.
3. Other actors: Will Smith, Tom Cruise (Top Gun version), Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Lawrence, Brad Pitt, Zac Efron, Eva Longoria
Slightly edging out comedy in the realm of global domination is America’s TV & film industry, where Hollywood’s only rival is some Indian town that named itself after Hollywood. Still, Bleacher Report went for the throat by choosing actors that played roles that represented purely American characters.
Will Smith (Independence Day)and Tom Cruise (Top Gun) are there to represent the American military, another dominant institution. Eva Longoria represents the success of American democracy as the “First Lady of Fairview” on Desperate Housewives. Brad and Angeline represent the deep state that actually governs the United States as seen in Mr. & Mrs. Smith. And of course J-Law and Zac Efron represent two varieties of the American (non-politician) criminal in American Hustle and Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile. No other country can do any of these characters quite like the U. S. of A.
2. Talk show hosts: Oprah Winfrey, Ellen DeGeneres
At first, I thought Bleacher Report might have made a mistake in including American talk show hosts. How could people who run shows broadcast on American cable assert cultural dominance worldwide? But then I found out that foreigners love talk show hosts so much that they will reconstruct talk show sets and hire look-a-like hosts just to sniff American influence. That’s the kind of influence I love to see.
The second mistake I thought Bleacher Report made was to include Ellen twice, in the third row just three people away from herself. But then I realized this must represents her multiple talents as both a stand-up comedian and talk show host, so I appropriately included here in Both tier #2 and tier #4. [Edit: I’m now being informed that the second Ellen is in fact some “Stu Holden” guy. Doubtful]
1. Superheroes: Iron Man, Captain Marvel (Brie Larson version)
When I think of someone who represents “Truth, Justice, and the American Way” or “is a character starring in a Marvel Cinematic Universe movie that starts with ‘Captain’ and represents America,” the first two people that spring to mind are Iron Man and Captain Marvel. As I will likely detail in some future blogpost, superheroes are a quintessential American genre. While other cultures may have their Tintins and their Narutos, every time a foreigner recognizes a superhero an American media conglomerate gets a ten cent royalty. Our soccer teams should be aiming for that level of dominance.
Also telling here is the absence of such DC Comics characters as Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman. I think this represents how the American people have such a low approval rating of DC and that our nationwide culture isn’t set by any politicians on Capitol Hill, and I think that’s beautiful and something to be celebrated.
This was Just My Blog.