Recently, I was reminded of an amazing tweet by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, former president of Iran, promising that that the University of Michigan’s football program will return to its glory days:
(The original tweet in the thread was Ahmadinejad taking shots at the NFL for blackballing Colin Kaepernick, but that’s a topic for another day). Given the current tensions with Iran and the unease about another massive global conflict, I am going to examine major international alliances using college football, a language understood by politicians across the globe.
Big 12 = OPEC
Obviously, the conference embracing the majority of America’s oil production is closest to the global cartel for oil. The Big 12 was formed an amalgamation of the best parts of two separate conference, the SWAC and the Big 8, just like OPEC took the best members of North Africa and the Middle East to make its alliance. And then you have West Virginia/Venezuela being practically a continent away but being included just to avoid a deflationary spiral and get access to the purest drugs (opiates/heroin, respectively). Further, just like cartels are naturally self-defeating by their inclinations to cheat the rest of the cartel, the Big 12 has evidenced selfish behavior on the part of Texas to make the Longhorn Network while depriving the remaining members of revenue that would be gained by sticking together as a unit.
Clearly, the flag bearers of the Big 12 are Oklahoma and Texas. Compare them to Iran and Iraq in OPEC and try to spot a difference. Texas/Iraq had its heyday in the early 2000s and have been struggling for relevant while Oklahoma/Iran have just been choking whenever they get to the big stage because they play a weak schedule and have no defense to the ground attack or the American army. As developed as analogy below, Oklahoma fans likes to replay their flag-plant against Ohio State (United States) but seem to conveniently forget that Ohio State beat Oklahoma on the road the year before just like America beat Iran on their home turf by getting Ben Affleck out of Argo, Iran.
Also, one of the most historic college football games and upsets was the 2007 Fiesta Bowl where underdog Boise State defeated perennial powerhouse and Big 12 member Oklahoma in double overtime in an instance classic. A real David and Goliath match-up, just like the David and Goliath match-up that OPEC hosted two millennia ago.
Big Ten = NATO
The Big Ten (originally the “Western Conference”) is the oldest and most significant conference in college sports, just like NATO (originally the “West rulez get fucked commies alliance”) is the most significant alliance in global politics. Coincidentally, both the Big Ten and NATO have only continued to expand Eastward since their foundation, with the only former member of the Big Ten being Chicago (who dropped football as a sport) and the only NATO country to have dropped being West Germany (which dropped existence as a sovereign)
As alluded to above, Ohio State is clearly the United States in this analogy as both provide the revenue and championships (the last non-Ohio State Big Ten consensus national championship was by Michigan in 1948) that fund the rest of the conference that milks their teat and thus OSU/USA should seriously consider discontinue funding. Michigan is the United Kingdom, as both are trying to relive their glory days from back before Ohio State/United States existed (last real championship in the 1940s, a partial victory from 1997 [Rose Bowl win/death of Princess Diana]). Wisconsin is Canada, as both red & white entities are too far west to serve any other purpose than being the bitch for Ohio State/United States when they need a bump. Penn State is Turkey: both are recent entrants to the alliance trying to take it down from the inside with their scandals.
Notre Dame is to the Big Ten as Ireland is to NATO. Both benefit from the mere proximity to greatness but maintained their independence (for most purposes) because they are too stubborn, green, and, well, Irish to think rationally and join the alliance.
SEC = USSR/Commonwealth of Independent States
The SEC was the first mega conference as it was the first conference to have enough members to requires a championship game and divisions. Globally, the original mega-conference in international politics was clearly the USSR. Much like the SEC/USSR, only one member really matters: Alabama/Russia. The rest are just riding the coattails for relevance. Oh, your #2 program LSU/Kazakhstan? Literally is only relevant because of Saban’s recruits/Russian demographics. Your “rivalry” of Alabama-Auburn/Russia-Ukraine? They’re literally run by the same governor, how fierce can that be?
You can tell this true because both the SEC and the soviets were darlings of the left-leaning media until a shocking upset in 2016.
Pac-12 = ASEAN Plus Three
Like the East is the classic rival of the West, the Big Ten is the classic rival of the Pacific conference, whatever it’s politically correct to call it today. In fact, the establishment of the Rose Bowl to pit the best Western team against the best Pacific team every year is like Perry opening Japan to let the best Western country beat the fuck out of the best Pacific country in selling shit every day.
In my estimate, Japan is the USC of the alliance. Both were the clear leaders of the association in the early 2000s but got caught in a deflationary spiral where they could no longer pay people to go there. China is Oregon; both are arguably on the rise, are slaves to Nike’s whims, and have yet to beat America/Ohio State in a head-to-head competition to gain relevance. South Korea is the Washington of this alliance; it’s respectable, into high-tech shit, and deals with a fucking a lunatic on its southern border willing to launch an air raid offense but its shut out of college gameday/global conversations (I wrote this joke when Mike Leach was still at Washington State and am not changing it). Also, both alliances feature an innovative hotbed of diseases in Thailand/Arizona State that bring in the most adventurous/slutty to the alliance
ACC = Africa Union
If you are not a regular reader of INTBIQ, you may not be sophisticated enough to follow this process of elimination and determine that the ACC must be something in Africa. But the comparison between ACC an the Africa Union particularly apt. Principally, because no one cares at all who is the king of this shitpile unless it is Florida State/South Africa, Clemson/Egypt, or Miami/Nigeria.
Florida State/South Africa, while being independent for most of its history, is most known for standing by civil rights atrocities, and allowing innocent people to sit in punishment while the privileged class commit blatant criminal offenses. Clemson/Egypt has had a recent resurgence in relevance, despite both entities mostly being known for a famous rock next to a cat (tiger/sphynx). Finally, Miami and Nigeria both had their best years decades ago but have been rocked by sanctions. And both constantly require differentiation from name-neighbors of Miami, OH, and Niger. If you can’t even dominate your alphabet, you belong in the ACC/African Union, IMO.
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