The rules are as follows: each quarterback is searched on google images using their first and last name, and scored based on how sweet they look in the first 5 returned images that aren’t professional headshots.
- sweet action shots, like diving or leaping are worth 2 points
- partial action, like throwing a ball or runnin are worth 1 point
- standing still/loitering is worth 0 points
- images other than the QB in question are disqualified. If you aren’t even the most famous person with your name you don’t deserve to be on my list
the image scores are combined for each quarterback who gets a total out of 10 points. I’m not doing 2020 cus those are still up in the air and someone of them could still die tragically from coronavirus. “Hey what about backups-“ hey what about back that thought up no
1. Kyler Murray (5/10)
A moderate start to the list with Arizona’s red baron at 5 points. But this fighter pilot won’t be winning any wars with shots like this. His first shot is just him holding a ball, 0 points. You are paid to throw Kyler, not grip. The next four shots show enough jog that we can at least be confident his legs still work, awarding 1 pt each. I also like this little dance he’s got goin on in #5. I like a man who’s not afraid to show some pep in his step, +0.5pts for flair. Also, shoutouts to the Cardinals alternate colors, that black looks sleek as fuck hes like a sexy panther now (+0.5).
2. Matt Ryan (4.5/10)
Another unimpressive showing on this list to go along with Matt’s unimpressive showing on the field. Three jogging shots (+1 each) and ball-gripper (0) don’t impress, but Matt Ryan’s roaring eager face can net him a little extra (+1.5), so long as he comes back up to my place and shows it to me in private. That description might make you think I would use such a picture for this entry, but instead I’m going to use pic #1, because it sort of looks like someone’s small child glued an arm onto the side of his ribcage. Is he okay? Maybe Atlanta can’t attract a medical staff. No wonder the CDC is falling apart.
3. Lamar Jackson (4/10)
There’s a lot of moxie in the big smile, but unfortunately his image quality is all over the place. His touchdown shot looks like he’s sneaking across a room in the pink panther, which is sassy enough to earn him 2 pts. And don’t even get me started on the balancing act on his list entry. However, one standing picture, and another of a wave don’t merit points. All of this is salvageable, if not for the fact that picture #5 is of Lamar Jackson, the new cornerback for the Jets. Can’t even dominate your own name search? Science taught me the bigger Jackson should just eat the smaller one. So far, not a good showing for the bird teams.
4. Josh Allen (1.5/10)
Pitiful. If there’s one thing I can say for the Bills, it’s that they make Matt Ryan look good. Only one shot with any real energy being expended (1pt), and then four where he’s just standing. However, I should admit that in one he’s staring at the camera super menacingly and that’s at least gotta take some effort, unless its just a bowel problem, I’ll give him half a point. Also there’s this one where it looks like coach told him to throw left and he’s trying to remember which direction is which. Make an L with your hand…
5. Cam Newton (0/10)
Cam “Injury Magnet” Newton always seems to look like he’s trying to do Blue Steel from Zoolander. I wonder if he’s ever smiled. Maybe he hurt that muscle too. He does a lot of standing around. Maybe he’s never played enough minutes of football uninjured that there existing no shots of him with the football. And yes, I picked Cam we aren’t bothering with the others. Can you imagine actually being in a city like Charlotte? Embarrassing. There’s something refreshing about hitting rock bottom. We can only go up from here
6. Mitchell Trubisky (3/10)
I’m not sure I’ve seen someone look less interested in his job, as Truber looks playing football. And like, all his pictures are like that. Cursed with resting bitch face. The good news he’s got a couple of shots somewhere between standing and throwing, where he makes these cool arm movements likes he’s summoning Megazord, and I think that’s worth pushing them over into the throwing category for +1pts. Another jogger will bring him up to 3. Funnily enough, the first auto-complete search for mitch is “Mitch Trubisky Wife”. Is she hot? Or Maybe theres a conspiracy that he killed her. The latter seems most likely. Mitch Trubisky Wife missing?
7. Kissed by fire (2/10)
Wow this ginger is very striking. How have I never seen him? And who are the Bengals? This mystery man has 1 thrower, and one where’s he’s about to rock out. He is allotted two points.
8. Baker Mayfield (5/10)
Y’know I like ol’ Shake n’ Bake. He’s the first QB so far with shots of him actually in the thick of things (+2 +2). Like this one where some sort of tiger cosplayer got out onto the field. I respect that. A man who goes to get things done himself. Unfortunately, his strong start levels off with one thrower (+1) and a couple of standing shots. Still, he’s tied for the lead, and you can’t be mad about that.
9. Das Prescott (1/10)
Okay okay, I know we all hate the cowboys, but I promise you, this is a legitimate low-ranking. The man just doesn’t impress. His one throwing picture is actually on there twice. So while I will award a point, I will also subtract a point for repetitiveness. He does have this one pic where he massages a Nick Foles lookalike’s ass, and I think it’s important for the NFL to showcase non-hetero relationships, so that we all can have role models. +1 point.
10. The Denver Broncos
Unfortunately, the Broncos played the 2019 season without a QB, so we’ll skip this one.
11. Matthew Stafford (2/10)
Poor guy is only breaking one thing this year, and it ain’t any records. Only one record of him throwing a ball, and another one where he describes the size of his manhood to enthralled fans award him 2 points. Really not much to talk about, much like the Lions.
12. Aaron Rodgers (0/10)
What can be said about the NFL’s all-time regular season career passing rating leader, Super Bowl Champion, highest single-season passer rating, two-time MVP, touchdown-to-interception ratio leader Aaron Rodgers? Certainly not that he has good pictures. It’s unfortunate because I know he has many moments of weird and meme worthy expression but none of them show up in his top 5 images. He just stands around a lot. Almost makes you rethink this method of ranking Quarterbacks but it’s too late we’re moving on
13. Deshaun Watson (2/10)
The Watt is a swell guy. Killer biceps and a lot of heart bring two otherwise boring pics a point each. Thank you Mr Watson for carrying my fantasy league into a limping 5th place. You’re the whole package. As long as that picture day package does not include anything remotely exciting.
14. Blakey B (-3/10)
“But what about Nic-“
The face of the Jacksonville Jag-
“He didn’t even play this year”
THE FACE OF THE JAGUARS IS very beautiful. A strong man. A great guy. But all his search results are just a beautiful smile on a beautiful god. So no points to be had. In addition, in 3/5 of the pictures someone put a Rams jersey on him and I’m pretty sure there’s a gun to his head just out of frame. -1 points each. We don’t condone that kind of violence at the NFL. Only other kinds of violence
15. Patrick Mahomes (4/10)
More like Patrick Ma-take-me-home you stud. Pat’s hair is always partying hard, and I like that. It makes even his two photos of standing still look a lil exciting. Half a point each. It’s probably time to remark that this rating scale seems to drop a lot of players into what would typically be the bottom half of scores (or bottom 1% of scores if this were IGN). Too bad if you want to be king u gotta earn it with hustle
16. Philip Rivers (-1/10)
Rivers looks like the kind of neighbor who hosts barbeques on his lawn and always wears a big Kiss the Cook apron while grillin. Perpetually 44, and good to see you champ, what’ll it be? How ‘bout a fresh dog, sport. Hot off the press. and you wan’t a beer? Then you say you can’t have a beer because you’re too young and he says he won’t tell and laughs even though there’s like 8 adults in earshot and you definitely couldn’t get a beer if you wanted to. Also the 1st picture is of Chiefs safety Tyrann Mathieu come on dude.
17. Jared Goff (2/10)
Goff’s got a strong finger game. At least that’s what Maria Goff tell me. Also he’s got debate team energy in one of these shots and that’s also gotta be worth a point. It’s not all about athleticism people. Smarts matter too.
18. Ryan Fitzpatrick (5/10)
The real Fitz Magic is what he’s done with that beard. Remarkable. That beard is worth +1 bonus point for every one of his pictures, landing him in the three-way tie for first with a solid 5 points. Is this what the gays are calling bears? I understand now. Also he could shovel snow with that nose.
19. Kirk Cousins (0/10)
MFW I have to looks at kirk cousins
20. Tom Brady (0/10)
Every picture is just him walking slowly. Every one. I even went down pages and pages and the first non-casual-walking photo is him running onto the field pre-game-start with like balloons in the background. He thinks he’s too good to play football. He’s carefully cultivated a google image persona of calm cool collected. Piece of shit. Tom Brady is an anagram for My Bad Rot.
21. Drew Brees (4/10)
Drewbies’s signature move is definitely the arm pump. I guess that’s energy? I’ll give it a point. Sometimes he goes for a double arm pump but if he thinks that’s worth double points he can think again. 1 point per arm pump.
22. Eli Manning (0/10)
Peyton Manning has a really tall head. Kind of alien. Like I always kind of knew that but I’d never actually looked at it for this long before. Like you know Pete Wheeler from Backyard Baseball? Always draft pete hes up there with pablo
23. Derek Carr (0/10)
I am struck by the visual similarity he has to drew brees and had to make sure i didn’t use the wrong image. The auto-complete search is “Derek Carr wallpaper”. I guess people this hes a good-looking dude or at least that his color palette accentuates their collection of Nancy drew game shortcuts that they refuse to put into folders
Carr is making a big ‘O’ shape with his hands just like the number of points he earns.
24. Carson Wentz (5/10)
The beloved Eagles QB does not take a good headshot. Thank god we skip those. The Eagles entry makes obvious the online culling and censorship going on and clearly Google is in the pocket of the Philidelphia Pretzel Factory, Honest results would show Wentz nursing an Injury on the sidelines how they got photos of him upright on both working legs is beyond me. That said, I like this one of him punching rasheem green in the face that’s the kind of violence we pay for and is definitely worth 2 points. Three ther photos show enough hustle to be worth one point. The bird teams are definitely putting up a strong showing today while the horse and meat-packing teams have some more training to do
25. Ben Roethlisberger (1/10)
I think Roethlisberger is the one to use here? At least given the history. Only like three of these photos are obviously of ben though. Maybe he just has one of those faces. In any case, hes throwing in one, and staring off into the distance in the others. Sad.
26. Jimmy Garappolo (beauty is in the eye of the beholder/10)
Jimmy Garappolo is a beautiful man. That’s about all he has going for him here, but maybe that’s all he needs?
27. Russell Wilson (3.5/10)
The Seahawk has energy. Lotta movement in these pics. Maybe he never stops moving, he just takes such small steps sometimes it looks like he’s standing. Sadly, two shots of off-field talk bring down an otherwise solid contender. I like this sassy one though, those hand motions worth an extra half point.
28. Jameis Winston (3/10)
I kinda like that the glare on this one makes him look like robocop. However, he’s got the same problem as Prescott, where they used the same image twice. Downvote. Also its kinda eerie how similar all of these photos are. Like his body has just mastered one motion for moving and why mess with perfection. A 3 isn’t good, but given the others so far its not that awful for the buccc
29. Ryan Tannehill (6/10)
If this isn’t worth 2 points, what is? What you don’t like it? Tough, if you want your QB to get more point you should have SEO’d your photoshopped picture of wentz looking like a super Saiyan into the top 5. But you didn’t. A solid other 4 action shots bring this Titan into the lead
CONCLUSION
Looking back, it’s clear I was overly optimistic about the performance of our later entires. The first few that I thought were middling were some of the best. Bird teams are powerful. No one scored above a 6. I guess it could be possible that the most useful images at the top of search results would be clear ones without a lot of motion but hey