Reason 1: It’s fast.
As a working man on the go who happens to be between jobs, my time is valuable. Time is also money, so you go ahead and continue to waste your time cooking expensive gourmet food; more money for me.
Reason 2: It’s easy to eat
Have you ever eaten untoasted bread? Yeah i thought so. Have you ever eaten a plate of broccoli? Now compare how long each takes. I’m literally conserving immeasurable amounts of energy by barely needing to chew my food, allowing me to have more energy for longer than you.
Reason 3: It’s not constrained to one meal
Buttered bread has survived millennia without being assigned a role in our daily diet. Its resilience to labels means that you and i can enjoy it any time of day, whether that’s first thing in the morning after your 10:30 am alarm, 1:00 pm with a lite beer, or with dinner at midnight.
Reason 4: It’s ultraportable
The tactical portability of buttered bread is unmatched by any other food type. I don’t have a job to go to right now but when i do think about how much personal time i would save if i did. As mentioned in reason 3, it can be eaten ANY time of day, so breakfast, lunch, or dinner could be completed in under 30 seconds leaving me with more personal time to unwind after a hard day once I’m back out there.
Reason 5: I’m a man
As a MAN I am tough and I don’t need the handicap provided in the form of vitamins and minerals by other foods like vegetables. I pull myself up by my bootstraps and make my own vitamins. Maybe you’re just weak. No? Prove it. I have nothing but time. Meet me at the end of the pier on Kent street 11222 at 2:00 pm on Tuesday July 2nd and we’ll settle this.